Troubled Marriages
If your marriage is in trouble and seems destined to end in divorce, then we believe we have help for you. What you will find in this section are a variety of helpful ideas and programs. Please look them over and then take action. If you do nothing about your situation, you can’t really expect things to change.
For those without hope - we recommend 3 things:
- The first is to read the testimony of our Executive Director, Bob, and his wife Cathy. They’ve been where you are. Oh, your situation may be different, but where you’re headed is still the same as where their marriage was headed. Infidelity had taken its toll and they were paying the cost. Click here if you would like to read their story.
- Another way to regain some hope is to read about many marriages in trouble. You can purchase a new book titled Can My Marriage Be Saved?, which contains not only Bob and Cathy’s testimony, but 21 others as well. There’s even an index by topic, so you can go right to those that pertain to your situation. We will ship the book to you for a cost of $13.99 plus $4.80 shipping and handling. Click here to purchase the book and pay with a credit card via PayPal.
- You can also hear a great testimony, recently shared on a local Christian radio broadcast. Two people with everything who thought they needed nothing, finally find what they didn’t know they needed, which really gave them everything. The radio program is called “Revive Our Hearts with Nancy Leigh DeMoss” and the title of the testimony is “Transformed Women – Vicki Rose”.
For those marriages in crisis, but you don't know where to turn - we offer these 2 choices:
- Four out of five troubled marriages have been restored with trained “back-from-the-brink couples” (whose own marriages once nearly failed) who came alongside a couple in need. A couple that was nearly driven apart by adultery – but survived, has something to say to a couple in crisis regarding infidelity. The reconciled couple can say, “We know adultery breaks trust. We've been there, done that, but trust can be restored. Let us tell you our story. And let us pray with you.” These wounded healers have a credibility that pastors and counselors do not have. We have been providing these mentor services for a number of years and have a great rate of success. There are no fees for this service, although we do urge you to respond with a gift to the ministry after your marriage has been restored.
We urge you to download the Mentoree Information Sheet and get started today! Contact us if you need additional information. - If divorce is being considered by one or both people, one of the best widespread answers is a program called Retrouvaille, a French word for Rediscovery, pronounced Ret-roo-vie. It is run like Marriage Encounter except that the leaders are couples whose own marriages nearly failed. These "back-from-the-brink" couples tell their own stories of recovery from adultery, alcoholism, etc. These weekends are periodically held within an hour and a half of Frederick County and also entail follow-up meetings to check your progress and address additional issues. Here’s a recent story about Rita and Tony from Detroit:
Ten years ago Rita was so disgusted with Tony that she filed for divorce. Then she witnessed the impact her decision had on her daughters - who were devastated.
About that time she heard of a weekend retreat called Retrouvaille and they decided to attend in an effort to save their marriage. "We didn’t know what to expect," she recently told couples and clergy in Macomb County, a Detroit suburb. "As the weekend unfolded, the presenting couples shared personal experiences about problems they once had in their marriages, and how they were overcome."
Tony added, "We found we were not alone in having a struggling marriage. We began to see hope. The couples were so honest and caring, it was good for all of us."
They not only saved their marriage, but were also inspired to become a presenting couple. "It was an opportunity to continue healing our own marriage, and to help save the marriages of other couples. Our personal struggle involved a great deal of forgiveness and love. We learned that love is a decision and not a feeling," Rita asserted.
"Retrouvaille embraces all hurting couples, regardless of faith," Tony exclaimed. He noted that there were 34,500 divorces in Michigan in 2007, and only 59,000 marriages, a divorce rate of 60 percent - the most divorce-prone state in the Midwest. (Note: Over the last 10 years, Frederick County had 8,450 divorces and only 15,750 marriages for a rate of 54%.)
However, 4,200 couples on the edge of divorce have attended Detroit's Retrouvaille. Result? "Eighty percent are still together," proudly proclaimed Mark Squier, who organized Retrouvaille locally with his wife, Betty in 1981.
"How do you know that?" He was asked. "In the first ten years, volunteers called up the couples who attended and asked how they were doing. Eight out of ten were still together."
Across the country, more than 75,000 couples have attended. The weekend begins Friday night with couples glumly sitting with arms folded across their chests, as if to say, "I am here but I am not expecting anything."
First, they hear presenting couples tell a story about the recovery of their marriage. That is exciting. They are walking parables of hope.
Next, they are asked to write to their spouse for ten minutes on a topic, such as "What do I have difficulty talking to you about, and how does that make me feel?" Ten minutes is enough time to say what is on their heart with enough detail and examples to get the attention of a spouse. They then return to their motel rooms, read what each other has written and talk. That part of what happens is private. After talking for 10-15 minutes, they hear a knock on their door, as a signal it is time to hear another talk by the presenters.
By Sunday afternoon, most couple’s arms are around each other in the joy of a resurrected marriage! They return for six half-day sessions over the next couple of months, and get to know other Retrouvaille couples, who have become part of a strong network of encouragers.
In trying to persuade a spouse to go to Retrouvaille, expect resistance. One person is always a "dragee". As long as they go, it makes no difference--four out of five marriages are saved. Knowing this, Marriage Savers suggests the willing partner say something like this: "I know you are unhappy now, but a research report by the University of Chicago of couples who were so unhappy that one or the other of them considered divorce--if they lived their vows "for better or worse" and stuck together--saved their marriages. Five years later, 86% of the once unhappy marriages report their marriage is healthy and happy!
Retrouvaille provides a concrete strategy to rebuild the trust at a much expanded rate of giving hope to the hopeless. Thus, its saving of four out of five marriages is a reasonable gamble for building a marriage that is rewarding to both partners. By contrast, therapists save less than 20% of troubled marriages according to Diane Sollee, director of Smart Marriages and former Associate Director of the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy.
Say, "We have been married x number of years. I am asking you to give me one weekend to work at our marriage at a Retrouvaille weekend. If we succeed, that would be wonderful for both us and the kids. If not, we have only lost a weekend. What is the risk?"
We urge you to contact one of the 3 Retrouvaille groups in the Frederick County area. Since their weekends are done quarterly or semi-annually, you may want to contact all 3 to check their dates and locations.
- Washington, DC (301) 468-6764
- Reston, VA (703) 351-7211
- Harrisburg, PA (717) 938-8229
You may also visit the Retrouvaille website to get information for these sites.
For marriages with moderate issues where neither partner is considering divorce - we recommend a Marriage Encounter.
- This weekend retreat has helped 80% of the 2.5 million attending couples to fall back in love, and to gain new respect for their spouse. A typical weekend retreat is attended by about 20-30 couples at a motel led by three couples who tell intimate details of their marital growth. They then ask attendees to write to their spouse on an assigned subject such as "What do I admire about you and our marriage?" or "What feeling do I have that I find most difficult to share with you?" After writing, couples go to their motel room, read what each wrote and then talk--this part is utterly private. To learn of a Marriage Encounter near you call (800) 795-LOVE (795-5683) or United Marriage Encounter (866) 483-8889.
For couples who have already separated or even divorced
- We recommend that you enter one of the Divorce Support Groups held at a variety of locations here in Frederick County. These groups use a combination of video presentation and small group discussion to address many of the areas you are experiencing, such as anger, loneliness, depression, new relationships, finances, and many more.
Here's some great reading that may also help you:
- For the person fearful of divorce, we recommend a book by Michele Weiner Davis, The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage. As Howard Markman, author of Fighting ForYour Marriage, put it, "If you are thinking of divorce--stop. Put the process on hold and read Michele’s book. It will give you both the hope and the tools that you can use to not only save your marriage, but to have a great love relationship over a lifetime." We would add that her seven steps are practical, not obvious, and a proven strategy to reconstruct a deeply troubled marriage. Michelle Weiner-Davis outlines steps you can take to restore a marriage, even if your own partner is not interested in taking any steps. You can change the character of your marriage by changing yourself.
- A version of this book targeted at women, also by Michele Weiner-Davis, is titled Getting Through To the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women. This book is particularly helpful to women, who file two-thirds of all divorces. Here is a typical paragraph:
"By blaming your partner and not seeing your own role in your relationship dilemma, you might inadvertently be pushing his buttons and bringing out the worst in him. Also, you’re so focused on his mistreatment of you, you start playing the blame game. You think he’s to blame, so you wait for him to change. He thinks you’re to blame, so he waits for you to change. In the meantime, nothing changes."
Michelle tells women how to take the initiative to end this stalemate. It empowers women to be marriage healers rather than marriage destroyers. Both of Ms. Davis’ books are available in any good bookstore or on Amazon.com. - For those couples with children, you must read Dr. Judith Wallerstein's landmark book, cited above, The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. In following 100 children of divorce for 25 years, she discovered most of these children grew up in families "where they experienced multiple divorces and remarriages of one or both parents", plus "many cohabitations and brief love affairs" with cataclysmic consequences. Children sadly concluded that ties between men and women "can break capriciously without warning", which gives them no confidence in building relationships with the opposite sex. Consequently, they are terrified of conflict and tend to explode or run away. By ages 28-43, only 60% of these children of divorce had married and many of them had already divorced. After Dr. Wallerstein appeared on "Oprah" the book was on the best seller list.
- If adultery has been part of your marriage, Dr. Stephen Judah has written an important book, Staying Together: When an Affair Pulls You Apart. When a marriage is threatened by infidelity, all parties involved can become desperate. We’re tempted to look out only for ourselves, and the marital relationship is left hanging on for dear life. Judah explores both the phenomenon of infidelity, considering both the push of marital discord and the pull of sexual temptation. With a clear and helpful analysis of the relational science behind infidelity, he delivers a tested way back toward a meaningful marriage.
- For the good news about marriage and its importance to every heterosexual person, we strongly recommend A Case for Marriage by Dr. Linda Waite of the University of Chicago and Maggie Gallagher, a syndicated columnist. It proves conclusively that those who are married are far happier, healthier, wealthier and live far longer than those who are alone. If you have any doubt about the value of fighting for your marriage, this book is a must-read. It can be found in any good bookstore.
- For the person in a stepfamily or with children from a previous marriage read Willing To Try Again by Dick Dunn.
Regardless of which of the above actions you take, we urge you to take action.
Also visit our Resources page for additional help.
